Numair in Love
by Mullet-Revolution
Summary: Our own bloody Mary Sue, I can't believe we did it.... one day, the authors are driving along, lost in their own city, when they are sucked up into Gaea. Action, adventure, forced romance, and stupidity abound. (changed name from FritzyLuna) :D
1. A Shitty Day

~whispering~ While we are waiting for Anne's Dad to leave the kitchen to get chocolate, we decided to start the fic. Yes, we are going our OWN MARY SUE!!! But then again… ~looks at Numair~ it is far from a Mary Sue…. If you enjoy this fic, then check out the other billion parodies we have going. Even if you don't like this one, there are better ones. Oooh! Dad's gone, chocolate time! ~runs away~

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, no, we do not own Escaflowne and all it's glory. ~runs away crying~ We also do not own a bunch of the other references we use, it's just for fun, repeat after us everyone, "j.u.s.t..f.o.r..f.u.n."

This is PG-13 for slight language, I mean, we had to keep it in character and real now, didn't we?

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Chapter 1 : New Arrivals

Brrrring

Brrrrring

Brrrrrring

Click, Click, Click

--Silence—

Brrrrring

Brring

"Shut up Annie," grumbled Numair, turning around in bed once more. Shoving the pillow, also known as Pillie, on his head, he chose to ignore his best friend. Once more the ringing commences. Annoyed, Numair gets up and yanks the phone cord out of the wall.

Flopping back into bed, Numair enjoys the moments of silence, slowly drifting back into slumber.

BANG BANG BANG!!!!

"Noooooo," grumbled Numair as pounding resumed on the front door, "I should move, I really should move away, far from across the street from Annie."

"GET OUT OF BED YOU LAZY FUCKING MORON! I KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN THERE!" a muffled voice shouted from outside. 

"Maybe if I pretend I'm dead…." Muttered Numair. As if by magic, the shouting and pounding stopped. Perhaps Annie thought that Numair really wasn't home he thought with a smile appearing on his lips.

CRACK.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" screamed Numair, jumping out of bed as another rock came soaring through the air towards the window.

"Aha! I see that you are home, my retarded best friend!" smiled Anne from the front hill of bark. Slumping down against the window-sill, Numair let a lazy smile appear on his lips.

"Okay, I'll be there in two hours…"

"Two!!! You'll be there in ONE!" screamed Anne, shaking her fist towards Numair's upstairs window.

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"ONE IF YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU!"

"ONE AND A HALF!"

"FINE!"

With that Anne turned around and walked back up Numair's driveway towards her house. Grumbling, Numair went downstairs to retrieve tape, muttering about perhaps his parents would not notice if he taped the window back together. But then again, what were blinds for?

Sighing, Numair went into the kitchen, finally awake thanks to his so-called best friend, and opened the cupboard. Staring blankly at the food contents within, Numair decided on the sugary cereal, enough sugar to give him more cavities and power.

Brrring!

"ARRRGH!!" screamed Numair, grabbing the phone and attempting to strangle it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Where the hell are we?" asked Anne, focused on driving the car. They were going to be late to pick up Anne's mother from the park and ride at this rate. 

"Stupid accident…" cursed Anne, turning the J-pop down.

"Just keep following that blue bug right there, he's godda be going somewhere," suggested Numair huddling in his sweatshirt to escape the sun.

"Watch as we follow him home." Laughed Anne, turning sharply around the corner.

"Your car's a puss."

"Oh shut up…"

"Go Mullet-mobile! Go Mullet-mobile!" the two chanted as the Rav4 huffed and wheezed up the hill. They paused as they finally reached the top. Where was the bug?

"Shit!" screamed Anne, her road rage getting the better of her.

"There, there! Follow that motorcycle!" Numair cried dramatically.

Anne swerved around to follow the motorcycle at a safe distance, didn't want that guy thinking that they were stalking him. (nevermind they were). Grinning slightly, Anne turned her head towards Numair, "So, what should we do next for Mary Sue?"

"Erm…" replied Numair intelligently, looking out the windows as though a sign would appear. "25 miles per hour…"

"… yeah…" said Anne, realizing that perhaps she would have to think of the entire plot, "How about a dream sequence, and change all her friends names? You know, have her shopping and its obviously not Japanese."

"Sounds good," replied Numair, turning up the music once more. 

Little did the two realize that they to were going to be sucked up into a Mary Sue (A/N: NOOOOO!). 

Suddenly, the clear blue sky turned gray and rain came pelting down onto the sleek black Rav4.

"Looks good, acts pussy, Rav4," stated Numair in commercial tones.

"Shut up Numair, you can't even drive."

"Minor detail."

The two drove through the unfamiliar neighborhood (although it was only five minutes away from where they lived). Five minutes from home and they were completely lost.

"That's the sad part," laughed Numair, putting his hood over his head.

"Do you find it strange that it went from a clear sky to raining in ten seconds," questioned Anne, squinting to see through the downpour of rain.

"Not around here," sighed Numair, looking lovingly towards the rain.

The car swerved crazily as Anne attempted not to hit a rabid suicidal squirrel that had dashed across the street, and ended up in the ditch.

"Nice one Strategos." Numair muttered.

"(censored) Numair!" Anne snarled, elbowing Numair in the ribs.

Just then, the car was enveloped in a bright green light!

"Green light! Go go go!" Shouted Numair, leaping forward in his seat.

"Where? We're stuck in the friggin' ditch, remember!?"

The car jolted, and began to rise into the air.

"We're gonna be raped by a bunch of ALIENS!!!!" shrieked Numair, banging on the window.

"I thought aliens only existed in the south!!!" 

"Where wives are beaten by their husbands!"

"That's the Oxygen channel you doofus!" 

"Then what's Hallmark?"

"That's religious south." Stated Anne, obviously having done her research.

The two got into a heated debate about cable, completely forgetting the fact that they were being shot into apparent space. The green light vanished, depositing the Rav4 in a sunny field.

"Then what about the International channel?"

"Think that one over carefully my mentally challenged friend, 'international'. Ring a bell?"

"I don't get it."

"Aargh! I…where the hell are we…?" Anne pondered, looking slightly more than perturbed.

"Hey, we're oudda the ditch!" exclaimed Numair happily.

SMACK!

"Ow…What should we do?"

"Oh, I'm suddenly the brains of the outfit!?"

"You've been for the past seventeen years."

"Oh, then what are you?"

"Well, obviously not the muscle……um…the happy sidekick?"

"Argh! Fine then, as the supreme ruler of this friendship, I say we explore the area!" declared Anne, clicking the seatbelt.

"There's no supreme ruler in friendships…"

"Do you have any better ideas?" Anne inquired softly.

"Well, we could ask that guy." Numair suggested, pointing out the window beside him.

BLINK BLINK went the giant eyeball, peering in the window.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!"

The car leapt forward as Anne pounded on the gas pedal. The car started swerving in circles, its mullet powers guiding it safely from the monstrous dragons jaws.

"Idon'twannadie Idon'twannadie Idon'twannadie Idon'twannadie!!!" screamed Numair covering his head.

"Shutup Shutup Shutup Shutup Shutup Shutup!!!" shrieked Anne trying to get the car out of the dragons range. The hungry dragon was gaining on the pussy Mulletmobile, but as we all know, adrenalin really gets one's will to live going making people do stupid things, thus Anne swung the car around.

"You're going towards it!!!" shrieked Numair yanking his hood over his face, he was too young to die.

"I'm gonna hit it!" cried Anne, ignoring the fact that the dragon was considerably larger than even the almighty Mullet-mobile.

"I never got to see Saiyuki!!!!" wept Numair, covering his eyes as Anne gunned it.

THA-THUMP!

The dragon keeled over and lay still.

"How is that scientifically possible?" Anne asked, looking back at the still dragon. 

"I'll never call this car pussy again…" vowed Numair quietly, silently thanking God in all his wonderful glory. But since this is a fic and not everyone here is Christian, we won't go into that.

"I think it's dead." Anne announced to herself, glancing at Numair sideways.

"Good. Let's go before it's reincarnated and comes back for revenge!"

"No more fantasy for you," Anne said unlocking the car, "I'm gonna go make sure it's dead." (A.N; this stuff is completely fictional you realize, we would have kept driving.)

"No nononono! Stay in the car! Car safe! Outside BAD!" cried Numair clinging to Anne's sweater.

"I'll be right back."

"Famous last words."

Anne slammed the door shut, leaving behind a whimpering Numair. Walking over to the dragon, Anne kicked it squarely in the balls. If it didn't react to _that_, it was gone.

"Hey Numair! I killed it!" Anne cried triumphantly.

CHOMP!

"Ooooh shit…" Numair said, rolling up the window.

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Anne: YOU KILLED ME!!?!

Numair: Well, you were being stupid.

Anne: WHO WROTE THAT!?

Numair: It was your idea….

Anne: Oh yeah….

So, yeah. That was really interesting. Our friendship is technically kinda sorta like this, however this is to the extremes. The car is actually named "The Mullet-mobile", fondly named after Folken, movie version of course. Tell us what you think, heehee. 

Stayed tuned for the next action packed chapter (with actual Esca characters)!

Esca characters: Noooooooo!

Anne: At least you live…. *grumble grumble*


	2. God Save Gaea!

We found our muse! Well, not really, but we found something that we find really funny. Yes, Anne got **dragged** to an un-named source that has "Happy Meals" and got one of these so-called "Happy Meals (Numair: How old are you?). Shut up! It's all I can eat! Anyway, in this "Happy Meal" I got this toy called "Beast." It's funny, you move its arm and its jaw drops practically off his head, and the stoned look in his eyes adds to the effect. Funny.

*****blinks* That was random… enjoy the rest of the story. Godspeed!

Disclaimer: Although the "Beast" is trying to make us say that we own it, we don't. Evil Beast. (and we don't own those "Happy Meals" *shifts eyes around to avoid eye contact with lawyers*)

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Chapter 2: God Save Gaea!

Vroooom

Eeeeek!

Vrroooom!

Eeeeeek!!!!

"Automatic and I still can't drive it," muttered Numair, slamming on the gas pedal once more. Noticing that she was going more than ten miles per hour, Numair quickly slammed on the brakes.

"I wonder if Annie is still alive…"

Looking in the rearview mirror Numair noticed the sleeping dragon with blood dripping from its mouth and Anne's arm dangling from a protruding tooth.

"Erm… I still believe…?" Numair said inconvincibly, turning up the J-pop as the car jerked forward and back. 

"I think I'm getting it…" she said shakily, actually speeding up the car to a whopping 12 miles per hour. The endless field stretched on and on, Numair slowly speeding up the car every now and then.

"This is easy!" Numair declared as the car jerked less. Gazing out the window, she was amazed at the beauty of the landscape. An endless sea of green grass under a blue sky spread across the land with gorgeous mountains in the distance. The Earth and moon hung in the sky.

"Neato…"

Just then, a strange figure appeared out of nowhere! A suicidal squirrel? No! 

"What the Fu---!" cried the strange thing in the non-existent road.

Numair, never having been the quickest of thinkers, did what came natural.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

And froze. 

THA-THUMP!

"Ooooh no…I hope that wasn't something important…"

[Anne's Note: Don't worry kids! It was only Zongi!]

"Really? _Phew_!" Numair sighed, relieved. Completely forgetting the previous incident, Numair went back to her watching of Gaea. The land was so lush, pretty, almost like her homeland in an unnamed part of the country, near someone with a flag pole. 

"Computer… CD's…. television…. Pillie!!!" whimpered Numair, completely ignoring the task at hand, i.e. driving. 

SMACK.

The car jerked to a stop, having hit something else.

"Erm… good thing Anne isn't alive or I would be in some deep shit…" 

Looking up Numair noticed that she had hit something big, bigger than the mullet mobile. Numair opened her eyes once more and noticed she could not see what the figure that she hit.

"I'm not stupid enough to get out of the car," muttered Numair thinking of Anne, putting the car in Neutral. The car moved forward, once more hitting the object. "That's not right…" 

Numair scratched her head in confusion, how would she get out of this situation? Suddenly, the sound of someone knocking on the glass snapped her back to reality. Fear pumping through her body, Numair looked at the window and….

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" switching the car into Reverse, Numair gunned it.

"Hey!" screamed a tall blond.

Numair wasn't fooled, she was on another planet… perhaps that was an alien trying to rape her… or whatever the heck aliens try to do.

"Excuse me," started the person once more having walked back to the car while Numair pondered. "What kind of guymelf is that?"

"_Guymelf_? Guy melter!? Where!?" yelped Numair, shrinking back into the seat. "You're a feminist, aren't you!!!"

"Huh?" the stranger replied, touching the side-mirrors in fascination. 

"Don't touch my car Ma'am," growled Numair, smacking the person's hand away.

"I'm a man. My name is Allen Schezar, one of the knights of Caeli, it is my honor to welcome you to Fanelia," bowed the knight, glancing at Numair. In reply he got a blank stare.

"Okay."

"So, what exactly is this thing that you are in?" inquired Allen backing up and looking the car over.

"It is a car _given_ to me by my best friend," whimpered Numair, backing further away from Allen. "It's called 'Mullet-Mobile,' the Dragon-Pseudo-Slayer. Now excuse me, miss, but I must be getting somewhere… away… from you."

"I'm a man!" Allen yelled, insulted. 

"Sorry Ellen, ma'am."

"It's Allen! So where did you come from, Pilot of the 'Dragon-Pseudo-Slayer."

"Mullet-Mobile!" she corrected, "Hey, I have a brother named Allan, 'cept he's male…"

"I _am_ male!"

"Huh? Speak up?" Numair shouted, leaning out the window.

"MALE!"

"Well, there's some in the back, but it's illegal to take other people's mail…"

"Where are you from!?" Allen demanded, exasperated with this annoying snot.

"Uh…north…west?"

"Could you specify?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Look, I don't know where in the whatzitnazuba I am, except there's the Earth up there, yet I'm not suffocating, talking to a dumb blonde who's asking me my address! I don't know! Stop making fun of me!!!" Numair cried with her voice cracking, smacking her fists against the horn.

She then proceeded to faint…

"No I didn't, I'm not a sissy."

FAINT DAMN YOU!

"I feel faint," Numair muttered in monotone while rolling her eyes, and fell over.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The warm feeling of sunlight touched Numair's face as she slowly opened her eyes. Groaning, she shrunk away from the sun back into the dark corners of the bed. Slowly, it dawned on Numair that she was in a bed, last time she recalled she was in the mullet-mobile…..

"IT touched me!!!" shouted Numair trying to dust the germs away. 

Looking around the room Numair noticed it was nothing like she was used to. For one thing, the room was clean. The room was made mostly of dark timber wood, giving the room a cozy feeling. White curtains covered the window, however open to allow enough sunlight to wake up the 'creature of the night.'

"Where the fuck am I!?" demanded Numair to herself, glaring about the room as though it could answer. 

"I see that you have woken up."

Looking up Numair noticed the blonde from earlier.

"AHH!!! RAPE!!!!" shrieked Numair, jumping off the bed to gain distance between Allen and herself.

"What?!" cried Allen, coming closer.

"Don't lie to me! I bet you wanted to KILL me and RAPE me!!!" Numair yelled. Suddenly her eyes widened, "Omigosh!!! You're a NECROPHELIAC!!!!!"

"What the heck!?!"

"I'm warning you!!! Stay back," declared the pale teenager grabbing a pillow off the bed, "I know how to use this!"

"Listen, I'm not going to…"

"'As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no pansy, for I…!" 

"I will not hurt you so…"

"'No not an oath, if not the face of men, the sufferance of our souls…!'"

"Shut up you annoying little shit!" shouted Allen, losing his composure. 

Numair paused and blinked. "Oh, I see," she taunted, "Not so knightly now, eh? Tsk, tsk tsk, yelling at the damsel in distress."

"Argh!" Allen raised his fist back. Just one hit would be enough to wipe the smirk off that things face.

"Allen!" Van cried, appearing behind Allen. Van had always known Allen as calm and composed, always masking his true emotions. He had never seen him like this. Looking around Allen, he gazed into the room to see what could upset his friend so.

Of average height, the strange…person was pale and thin, in that weird…eats-everything-in-sight-but-has-a-super-metabolism fashion. The shoulder length hair was mud-brown and unkempt. Grey eyes stared blankly, the host was not thinking.

"Is this the boy you found in that weird contraption?" Van inquired.

"Unfortunately." Grumbled Allen.

"Yo." Numair said, raising an index finger to point at them.

"What is your name?" Allen sighed.

"I cannot reveal that to you." She said dramatically, narrowing her eyes.

Allen threw his hands in the air in exasperation. "You try!" he hissed to Van.

"We need to know what to call you."

"Very well, you may call me," dramatic pause, "Numair, Dumbshit, Aden, Stinky, Leviathan, Bitch, Ponbiki, The Bruise, Peabrain, Weewee, Greasespot, hey you, and Hopeless. Pick one."

"What was the first one?" Van sighed, now seeing why Allen was so pissed.

"Numair."

"Alright then, where are you from Numair?"

"Earth."

Allen let out a grunt of frustration. Of _course_ it would tell _Van_.

"Really? Do you know Hitomi?"

"The artist?"

Van chose to ignore that comment and continued. "My name is Van Fanel, this is my country, Fanelia."

"Your country? Oh, Fanel, of Fanelia, that works out great! …I dun get it."

Both men threw up their arms in annoyance, Numair did too, just for the heck of it.

"I am the king." Van stated slowly.

"Oh! I get it…!" cried Numair, nodding her head, grinning from ear to ear.

Van was glad she got it.

"I'm in an RPG!!!" 

Both men tripped. "A what?" Allen demanded.

"Yeah, it all makes sense now, a knight, a king who undoubtedly has mystical powers of some kind……can you make things explode with a single gaze!? Wait, I need a character! Can I be a mage, neutral-evil?"

"What are you babbling about?" Van asked.

"Oh, right," Numair whispered, overly winking, "I'm not supposed to talk about my alignment."

"Yeah, okay um…we'll…send your food up to you." Allen said, backing out the door.

"Can I eat with you guys?"

"NO!"

"Oh, okay. Well, we are going to go adventuring, right?"

"Sure, whatever," they said slamming the door.

"Oh yay, this is just what I've always wanted! And that means Annie's not dead! Bonus!"

Numair sat down and pondered spells and other shit she would need in this mystical world, quarterstaff, dagger, bag of holding…wait.

"Do we have a thief!" Numair shouted at the locked door.

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A/N: You must understand, Numair's hearing sucks. She can't hear Anne from a distance of two feet. -_-;;; (Numair: What?). Next chapter we'll actually get into why the fic is called, "Numair in Love." Don't worry, this isn't going to be a long fanfic (readers rejoice). 


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